Unruly Snacking... And Other Nuisances

Disclaimer:

I am technically not accountable for anything I say, although accountability is technically the whole point of a blog.
I talk about bodily functions a lot, find them funny, and won't apologize for it.
If you want to comment, please be nice. I'm putting myself out there.... not sure why.... but I'm doing it, so be respectful, y'all.
I fail a lot of the time, but I like to keep trying because apparently I find joy in failure.
I'm not miserable. I'm just sarcastic. There's a difference.
I curse... shit loads.
I am not a nutritionist. I have a nursing degree, but there are a lot of unhealthy nurses out there, and we all know preaching is a lot easier than practicing.
Historically I've not been very nice to myself on a variety of issues. This blog will highlight that, but hopefully with some humor, patience, and some much needed self discovery.

Dear Diary,

Tonight I made a raw dinner... well, my second dinner was raw. My first dinner used to have a pulse. Raw dinner was "meh" at best. I would love to show you a photograph of me enjoying it, but I didn't really enjoy it, and I'm not allowed to eat anymore tonight... a rule I just made up right now. I'm also not allowed out of bed, unless dog needs something, the cat gets stuck in the cat door again, or if I have to pee. If I get out of bed, I will somehow magnetically cartwheel into the kitchen, the doors of the fridge will magically fling open, and the second half of the chicken I tried to demolish earlier will be hanging out of my mouth. So no.... I will not be moving from my bed or else I'll be having dinner number 3. The first dinner happened early. I ate three mini turkey burgers that my mom gave me. She's in town, living in the apartment below me temporarily while she and dad wait on the new house, and she has offered to essentially babysit me and my food intake. More on that nightmare later. The burgers were small... like falafel sized, but they were a different shape. If they were falafel shape, they would have been turkey meatballs. I was watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, a show in which the only overweight main character is played by Danny DeVito, and since he's shaped like a big toe, he can't really be held accountable for his awkward height/weight ratio. That said, I love Danny DeVito, and it's been a real pleasure watching him tumble out of control on the show. Anyway, my dog was super jealous that I had meat, and my kitten, one of three felines that roam this home, seemed to only be interested in the mustard. Weird. I ate dinner number one, and then, like a fly attracted to light, I moved through the atmosphere via magical osmosis and found my computer. Then I found Pinterest, and the 958 tabs I opened last night while procrastinating going to sleep, all of which were kept open to make sure I didn't forget that last night I decided to change my whole life.... for the 2365th time. One of the tabs was for website I found on a spiralizer, a device used to make "pasta" out of vegetables. I forgot that this was a device I already owned, and had forgotten due to the fact that when I bought it 2 or so years ago, I failed to understand how to use it. But having watched two YouTube videos tonight on the subject of not mutilating a zucchini while trying to make 6-foot-long strands of "pasta", I had success. More open tabs were for how to live on a raw diet for $10 a day. Suck on that, Rachel Ray. Other tabs were for juices, raw soups, a site on how to live in a more spiritual state, a site on Doshas, a site on yogic eating, and a Facebook page with lots of photos of myself that I was judging. By the time I woke up this morning, I'd already committed nor to a raw day, but to a day of eating chickens, although I hadn't forgotten last night's intentions. I'm always the most motivated at night. It makes sense because I know in my most clever parts of my brain that motivation is SUPER easy when there's no sane or rational reason to complete said motivation-requiring-task at 11 pm. Go on a long walk? No. Dangerous. Do 1.5 hours of yoga? No. It's dark and I lack coordination at night. Make juice? No. It's too loud. Prepare a healthy dinner that requires me making a mess of the kitchen? No. 4th dinner isn't necessary. I'd like to be motivated when I get up in the morning, but that's rare, and it's more often than not that a curse word comes out of my mouth when I get up. I'm not pissed off about being being alive. I'm pissed off about the fact that pretty soon I'm going to be accountable for something, or that I'll soon be stuck in traffic, or that I'll soon have to make life choices, like what the hell I'm going to eat that day. That's how I felt today. I had gotten all excited, overly committed, and created a day of tiredness due to my hours of epic, life changing research from last night. I'd like to change my morning attitude, though. I'll be so much more pleasant, and my early trips to the grocery store won't send out false alarms that I need a mental health intervention... because I don't. I'm just a little cranky. Probably because a grumpy body makes a grumpy head.

So.... what did I eat today after I decided to change my life last night?

Breakfast: Yerba mate tea and about 1/4 of a rotisserie chicken, skin removed. Nice breakfast, huh?
Snack: More chicken, tiny taste of baby food, (not by choice, it was flung into my mouth by an infant who has no control over his body movements, likely due to age since I'm pretty sure he doesn't drink alcohol. Plus his twin sister has the same lack of coordination, and is, from what I understand, straightedge).
Lunch: More chicken, and a gigantic peach.
Snack: Carrot and hummus, a zillion grapes.
Dinner #1: Three mini turkey burgers
Dinner #2: Cashew "cheese" that I made in the Vitamix. No, it wasn't good, but I'm hoping I can tweak it to be more likable. Spiralized zucchini made into long spaghetti strips, and raw tomato marinara, which had the consistency of gazpacho. I watched TV while I ate so I'd be distracted from the taste. I love veggies, but the whole meal was all wonky. Again, more tweaking necessary.

Today was pretty healthy, really, especially when I compare it to how I ate recently, before I threw my hands into the air and said FUCK IT, I'M GOING TO PIG OUT AND BE A SLOTH FOR 3 MONTHS. Lately, I've been eating Ramen noodles, burritos, macaroni and cheese, pizza, sandwiches, cinnamon rolls, random Indian food from Whole Foods, wontons, Chinese takeout when traveling, post-show-parking lot food, and a plethora of other garbage. I'm not saying I will abstain from these foods forever, but holy hell, I will only consume them on OCCASION. They will not be the foundation upon which I base my diet.

Oh, I'm also going to learn to be nicer to myself. I think my self deprecation, while helpful and humorous, is also a bit detrimental, because I've really started to believe what I'm telling myself, and sadly, what others have told me too. But this is my body. The choices I make on how to treat it are mine, and mine alone. And with that, these choices can't be shit choices anymore. I'm 30, and pretty soon, if I'm not careful, my ass is going to sag into my thighs, and there will be no differentiating between the two, and I will just be saggy assleg girl. No.

Before this 3-month meltdown, I used to eat Paleo, and did so for 10.5 months. It was a rather isolating and weird way to eat, in which I only ate, veggies, fruits, poultry, seafood, eggs, healthy oils, and nuts. If you want to know more about the paleo diet, and why people do it, and what it's all about, Google that shit. Basically, you're not supposed to eat processed foods, soy, gluten, dairy, legumes, grains, pickled foods, refined sugar, or honey. I allowed all booze, honey, dark chocolate, pickled foods, and more booze. I lost a lot of weight, but then I quit on June 1, a predetermined date, then graduated from nursing school, then turned 30, traveled, saw a ton of shows of my favorite band, drank all summer, and fell back out of shape. My yoga mat and I, once very close, became distant, and our relationship feels strained. We're getting back together, and things will be hot and heavy I'm sure. I'd been on such a good kick, and then BAMMMMMM, I went bananers, and fell right off the healthy wagon. People had applauded my discipline, and people believed I'd really learned a thing or two about how to eat. But paleo isn't moderation. I was eating as much as I wanted in the limited spectrum of food allowed by paleo lords. It was too limiting, to black/white, and I didn't have the opportunity to truly learn to eat the way I want to as a lifestyle choice. This was too rule-based. I'm not saying eating paleo wasn't good to me, and I'm also not saying it was the best idea ever, but it worked for me for a while, I felt well, less inflamed, and was happy that I wasn't eating so much shit in my diet. But I was bored. And boredom is always a nasty little trigger for me to get into mischief.

The first post is coming to a close. I've run out of steam, largely because second dinner was so unfulfilling, and was hours ago. Here are some photographs of what I ate today. I won't show you what the marinara looked like after it was blended... mostly because it looks like barf. The zucchini noodles, while not new to me, certainly aren't as tasty when completely unheated, and topped with unheated barf-resembling sauce. But this is day #1, and first days are usually just big ass messes.

These are tomatoes from my garden that I picked today.